I don’t know whether it’s just because the first week back is always difficult to adjust to, but I’m feeling decidedly uneasy about keeping my mind nourished. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy to be around for my kids in my SAHM role. Not least on a day like yesterday where I got a call from the school as my son had decided to kiss the concrete on the playground. I was rather shocked when I saw him though, I was just expecting a couple of scratches and he limps through to reception with a bandage across his eye! As it happened it looked worse than it was, as these head injuries tend to. There was a cut across his eye brow and he was badly grazed and bruised along the side of his face, but mainly he was just in shock. Once I got him home in front of the TV with some Easter Choc and dosed up with Calpol he started to cheer up. The poor lad, it doesn’t help that all his mates seem to be off to the Grammar school in September, and we’re having to appeal just to try to get him into the Academy around the corner! ‘Over-subscribed’ they say.. So why not send him on a bus to a school nineteen miles away in the middle of nowhere! It’s never easy … I feel that I need to be here for them more with every challenge that is thrown at us.
Unfortunately though that doesn’t mean I don’t feel that something is missing. My days are busy, as all Mums are. The normal chores, exercise four times a week, blogging, writing my books, school events, supporting my family etc. It all fills the time quite well thank you. So why do I feel on such a downer?
I wonder if it is just the fact I am not earning a regular wage any more. I had a conversation with my husband about how I feel. He reassured me, by telling me that I contribute in so many other ways, he couldn’t do what he does if I didn’t support him and the kids as I do. I understand this, and want to continue to support my family in any way I can. We were chatting while having a lovely meal at his Football Club in the Hospitality Suite, my treat to him as it was the first time in eighteen years he had got me anywhere near the place. I am glad I went, not least because it was actually a good game and his team won – bonus! All that said, that is his world and it will probably take another eighteen years to get me back. I would definitely recommend doing the hospitality thing though, a nice meal and few glasses of vino certainly sweetened the experience.
So maybe it isn’t the money, maybe it’s my (in the words of beyonce) “Independent women” gene kicking in. I have always been this way. I had many years living a bachelorette life with a thriving career before I met my husband. The decision I made once the kids came along to take a break, to care for them and for my aging Grandparents was the right one at the time. It is certainly not one that I regret. The only problem is, ever since leaving the career treadmill, I have never really managed to replace it with a sufficient substitute to keep me satisfied.
I guess I have always been a naturally social person too. It is getting increasingly difficult to motivate myself to work at home. I have not touched my writing for several weeks, I really need to buckle down on my sequel, but it’s just not happening at the moment. I feel like I’m whinging again.. I am thankful for my situation, I am very lucky, I know this. But it doesn’t stop me feeling like there is just an element of my life missing, I’ve just got to find it! The saying ‘the grass is always greener’ comes to mind. I know it isn’t and I don’t want to go anywhere else. I want to find it here!
Better keep searching, in the meantime I need to get my bottom in gear and get back to my writing. I understand why a lot of authors are seen as loners and eccentrics now! And I am certainly not either! (A good excuse not to do the ironing again of course..)
Target: Keep the SAHM Faith!
Done! (Well almost)